Bullshitting a paper is the number one most useful tool to have when in college (and high school honestly). To bullshit a paper doesn't mean necessarily that it's bad. In fact, a lot of my papers are complete bullshit, but yet they go over pretty well with professors because, somehow, I've created a routine to produce my best work. I like to call this simple process the 15 Stages of Bullshitting a Paper.
When you're trying to listen to your favorite songs so you're not completely miserable. You're mouthing the lyrics with your headphones on and the volume up; dancing like your roommate(s) aren't watching.
2. Going in Denial
"I don't have a paper. What are papers? College? I don't do that. Go out for lunch right now? Yeah, I don't have anything to do. My agenda is clear."
3. Realizing You Have to Do It
Your roommate stops you on your way out and reminds you that work has to be done. They dismiss all excuses and ignore all arguments as they shove the laptop in your lap. A blank Word doc is up and already haunting you.
4. Still Getting Lost in the Internet Anyway
Soon you're watching videos of a cat and a bunny cuddling and you're wondering "how did I end up here?" You can't seem to walk away from it and instead spend more and more time getting yourself lost in the weird part of the internet. And, if you're desperate enough, you could end up on Tumblr...
5. Getting the Intro Out of the Way
You manage to force yourself to get writing and then the intro is done. As you stare at it you wonder if you'll be able to continue on. Thinking about how, one day, a computer may be able to write your papers for you and you try and convince yourself that this is the last time.
6. Treating Yo' Self With a Break
You realize it's been an hour. You deserve a break. That one paragraph is worthy of a treat yo' self moment. Maybe even indulge on a snack.
7. Thinking: "Shit I Really Have to Get this Done"
It's not going to write itself. It would've done that already if it could, considering you've already wasted a good amount of time staring at it.
8. Checking the Syllabus to See the Weight of it in Your Overall Grade
But somehow you've gone off schedule and it doesn't make sense anymore so you just sit there wondering what you did to deserve this.
9. Panicking Because it Says it's Over 30%
"HOW IS THIS ALLOWED?"
10. "Word Vomit"ing that Gets You to Half a Page in 10 Minutes
You can't help but wonder if the words even make sense or if you're just that good at writing...you hope for the latter.
11. Somehow Finishing
Words just keep spitting from your fingertips and then it's done. You don't even know how it happened, but it did so you don't ask questions.
12. Half-Assing Revisions that You'll Regret Later
If you even manage to revise it.
13. Disbelieving that You Have a Somehow Decent Paper
It's done? Are you sure? Maybe I should revise it again. Wait, but I don't care. The professor can handle it. It'll probably be better than the kid's in the back of the class who shows up high all the time.
Managed to stay awake through the previous stages? Then you've earned a nap. Turn off your alarm and snooze until the cows come home (that's a saying right?).
15. Repeating for the Rest of the Semester
Even though you tell all your friends that bullshitting an essay is wrong and they should take their time.
Good luck on your papers and may you be granted with As. Or at least a B. I mean, B is for bullshit...you know what I'm saying?
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