For Freshmen. By Freshmen.
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Oct 28 2015
by Olivia Ray Laskowski

Sexiling: A Guide

By Olivia Ray Laskowski - Oct 28 2015

Ah, sexiling, the banishment that most college students experience for the first time freshman year. In case you aren't familiar (lucky you sort of, not lucky you, also sort of) sexiling is the act of exiling your roommate for the purpose of using the room for sexual activity, whether it be a makeout sesh or a full run around the bases. Some roomies come into the situation having already had "the talk" about sex-in-the-room policy, and have a firm set of ground rules. Some never approached the subject. Some may be having their first encounters with hook ups in college. Whether it is new or old territory, discussed or not discussed, running wild or with strict room-usage rules, there are some ways to avoid sexiling, limit it, or make it easier to deal with.

On avoiding sexiling, if you are the sexile-er:

There are actually a few ways to avoid sexiling your roommate, more or less depending on your own situation. One way, which isn't necessarily a win-win, is to sexile your partner’s roomie instead of your own. We will revisit this tactic when we talk about limiting sexiling. Another way is to use your roommates schedule to your advantage. Do they have a different class schedule than you do? Do they have a sports practice or a choir rehearsal? Get creepy, learn their schedule, and plan your intimate time around their schedule. This is a really considerate way to make getting freaky in the room more bearable for your roommate .

This entails both planning and flexibility (not like that.) Once you know your roomies scheduled away times, you can inform your partner and make a plan. This ruins your spontaneity, but when someone is getting some, usually there aren't complaints. You can make up for the sexcheduling by tossing in some spontaneous "hey, my roommate is leaving for an hour, wanna hook up?" text initiation if your roomie makes some random plans or decides to hit the library. The crucial element of this is letting your roomie know what's up, especially if you aren't sure when they'll be returning.

A third way is to literally just talk to your roomie. Let them know what’s up. Give them a time frame. Give them a day. Just plan with them. This is still sort of sexiling, but since it can be mutually decided and agreed on, it's more like making plans with your roommate that you won't actually be there for. If they know that you care about making sure they're cool with it, they are more likely going to agree. They don't want to come back while you scream at them to stay out for a second while you put pants on. Seriously, just talk to them. It's easier than trying to create an algorithm to figure out when they'll be gone, and another to figure out for how long.

On Limiting Sexiling, when it can't be avoided:

There's only so much room-to-yourself time in any given day or week. Sometimes your roomie won't realize what is up. Sometimes there's just no way to not sexile. The first way to cope with this, as I alluded to earlier, is to split the sexiling between the partner’s roommate and yours. If one of you has a single, congratulations, you've broken the system. But most of us have at least one roomie. Sometimes stay in your room, sometimes go to theirs. If you spread it out between both, you get more scheduling options, more spontaneous "my roomie left" times, and less hate from the person you live with.

Another way is to not have ridiculously long hook up sessions. Seriously. If you're hooking up enough to need to limit your sexiling, you don't necessarily need to be having 4-hour intimate times with your person. Maybe chill. This probably sounds like a stupid tip, but cut to the chase. Save the fancy schmancy games and nonsense for when your roommate leaves town or goes out all night. Another form of this is to be cool with enjoying the post-hookup snuggle (if you do that) while your roomie is there. For a lot of us, the cuddle sesh following whatever else is the best part, and takes like half the time anyway. And the good thing is, cuddling isn't that weird to do with your roomie in the room. Just toss a little shirt on, and get used to living in close proximity with others. Let your person and roomie bond over making jokes about you. Just hangout and chill. 

This tip isn't necessarily a way to limit sexiling, but can definitely help with balance. It's really simple. Reciprocate for your roomie. If they want to use the room, give them that time. If you're sexiling them, let them sexile you. If they're down to chill with your half-naked partner after you guys hook up, be nice to their half-naked parter when they're chilling post-hookup. Don't tease them or be weird, and they won't be weird about you. It's all about give and take when it comes to sexiling. If you need the room to yourself and they grant that to you, let them have the room if they need it. Golden rule, guys.

The last tip for limiting your sexiling is so obvious that it hurts me to say. Just don't do it. The best way to not sexile your roomie if you're in a situation is to just forgo the hookup. If it's some amazingly hot person from a party and the chance may never come again, or you've been waiting for the moment forever, go for it. But, if there's weird timing and your roomie is cranky or sleepy, don't ask them to leave just so you can get with your boyfriend or regular hook-up partner. Sometimes you've just got to have self-control and realize there is always a next time. Just because you can ask your roomie to leave doesn't mean you should.

On dealing with sexiled, if you're the sexile-ee:

Oh man, you've been kicked out. I haven't experienced this phenomenon (because I'm literally always asleep in my room, and I think I could be kinda scary to awaken from my slumber), but I've seen the effects of sexiling first hand with some of my closest friends. This is mostly because they come to my room at one in the morning, entering their 4th hour of exile. Oh man, this is rough. The first way to deal with being sexiled, if it's something you're ok with, is to be kind to your hook-up-having-roomie and not to shame them for it. If they aren't taking advantage of you or disrupting your schedule, just let them have their time and return when you're told. Never barge in on it (unless your roomie said you're welcome to come back if you need something, just knock).

However, if your roomie is taking advantage or disrupting your schedule, it could be a bigger issue. It's a matter of situation and opinion, but I say, the first time it happens to leave it alone and let it go. Don't throw a fit the first time they kick you out at a bad time. This will set a bad precedent for the issue moving forward, and they'll feel tense about what they can and can't do. Instead, ask them how it went, say you're glad they got what they wanted but that you need to discuss it. If you haven't already, this is a good time to lay new ground rules for the territory or to reinforce old rules that were already set. Having a productive discussion about it is a good first place to go. Have a more serious discussion if it gets out of hand. But, if rules are set early on, this can usually be avoided.

The last part of being sexiled, especially if it is voluntary, is to have a place to go to, things to do, and people to see. I will provide as many good suggestions as possible. If you're going out to party, give your roomie the hint that it's a good time to get it on. The communication works both ways. If they can take advantage of when you're out via their own planning, give them opportunities to do so by telling them when you'll be gone. I helps them plan so they won't kick you out as much.

If you're getting kicked out with a lot of notice, make plans with friends. Have a go-to pal that will let you kick it in their dorm room. Go see a movie. Always have a slew of Facebook events as possible sexile activity options. If you don't have a lot of notice, I have three suggestions. One, actually go do something productive if it's during the day. Two, take a nap in a friends bed if it's late and you have friends. Three, be cool enough with your roomie to feel ok knocking to get what you need from you room, and then head out with your new improptu plan in mind.

Happy sexiling!

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Olivia Ray Laskowski - Northeastern University

Olivia Laskowski is a rising Sophomore at Northeastern University majoring in International Business and German, minoring in Economics and Global Fashion Studies. She is the editor in chief and founder of Fresh U Northeastern. In high school, she was an exchange student in Frankfurt, and she is currently studying abroad at the London School of Economics. She enjoys drinking coffee, walking aimlessly through cities and owning too many tote bags. Follow her on Instagram @o.ray or check out her website!

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