1. The self proclaimed Beer Pong Champ.
The social platform of any good party, the Beer Pong table, attracts flocks of awkward party guests who find solace in the fact that you can cheer on your fellow party peers on their way to blacking out. Of course, this harmless party game often becomes the highlight of the night for those who have been waiting for this moment since their high school nights spent alone in their basement with the same group of friends, practicing for this moment, their calling. That guy. He walks from the corner followed by his friends, like Maywhether walking towards Pacquiao (And in all honesty, this night will probably have as much hype, and be just as disappointing as that was).
2. The one you can smell before you see, who doesn’t know how much cologne is enough.
Dark lights. A weird, “trying-too-hard” mix of pop and EDM music blasting so loud the guys’ cant hear themselves not think. The scent of more types of cologne than one person needs to experience hits you like a wall. Did you walk into a frat, or your local high school Hollister? This guy smells like he took a bath in every sample handed to him after a stroll through a perfume department. When will people learn that with Axe, less is more, and none is more than enough?
3. Vineyard Vines and Sperry’s Guy.
What he sees: The latest cover of every boating magazine in the Hamptons. He’s giving off the aura of standing on his yacht his dad paid for, holding a beachy summer drink, basking in the sunlight, while his metallic Ray Bans hide his bloodshot eyes, still displaying the effects of last night’s poolside activities. The uniform of "you can't hit me, my daddy's a lawyer". We may be stuck in an eternal winter up here, but somehow these guys find a way to extend the fashion season of their Vineyard Vines and Sperry’s to all year round. And to be honest, this guy is probably from some land-locked suburb of central Michigan, and the closest he gets to yachting is microwaving fish sticks in his dorm. Towards the end of the party, all these guys seem to morph into one, and it seems like your transported to a bad 90s sci-fi movie, except all these clones repeat is “So, what’s your major?”
4. The Mixologist.
Here’s the house special, made of gas station brand vodka, three shots of what ever we had left over, and an old sock one of the lacrosse guys left here from last weekend. This guy is standing behind the makeshift bar, creating drinks with more flair than the U.S. women’s gymnastics team going for the gold; however, they all seem to end up tasting like watered down rubbing alcohol. You have to stop and ask yourself, am I drinking alcohol, or just the diluted taste of regret from my fellow partygoers.
5. Perpetual Stoner who sees no difference between himself and Plato.
At the start of the party he was hidden in the corner, in a cloud of his own smoke, easy to ignore. But at this point, he’s made the rounds. You know as soon as you feel that friendly slap on your shoulder that you’re about to become the next victim of his latest political rant about the positive qualities of communism, which makes about as much sense as Donald Trump arguing women’s rights (Or running for presidency, for that matter). Despite a red solo cup swapped in for a book on Greek philosophy, and a horrifying ensemble of the men’s Forever 21 section replacing a toga and sandals, the similarities are uncanny.
6. The sophomore on door duty who constantly complains about the freshman.
Look, we get it. You’re not a freshman anymore. You’re in the frat. You’re a big kid now. Taking it out on freshman by delivering your catchphrase with as much pride as you can muster, thanking God they cant see the fear through your Ray-Ban facade of false superiority, you demand that 5 dollars with the pride of a first grader who just lost their first tooth.
7. The guy with the accent.
Is he French? Is he Italian? Do you care? He’s hot.
Lead Image Credit: Giphy.com