I've been waiting to write this article knowing that this is the moment where I just "let it go". Just like the good old Disney princess, Elsa, sang. Though this isn't the moment where I move on; he will always hold a strong place in my heart. No matter how distant we become or how much we change.
So who is this guy I speak of? He was once the love of my life, my boyfriend. We decided to go to college together around May. We were so full of passion and love, we couldn’t think of not being together. Everyone tried warning us. Though, with our thick skulls, we didn’t listen. We wanted to be together. So we stepped foot into one of the most important journeys one will ever take together.
When we first began college, it was just like the times we shared at our high school - attached at the hip. We went everywhere together. We made friends together. We ate together. And slowly, but surely, this routine was becoming old for him. He started to branch out, and with my lack of social skills I didn’t find a friend group just yet.
In the beginning he would ask me to hang out, he would make time for me. But soon the “Hey, want to hang out?” was becoming one-sided. He didn’t want to hang out as much. With all the energy I focused on making sure our relationship was okay, I could have focused on making friends or, most importantly, on myself.
I always relied on him for a sense of comfort and happiness. I didn’t love myself yet. It was unhealthy to rely on someone to fill me up. I shouldn’t have those empty holes, and if I did, which I do, I needed to find a way to fix them by myself. I now realize, the companionship of love shouldn’t be the only thing fueling my want to wake up in the morning.
Seeing the little time he put aside for me, I got terrified that he was losing interest. So I made a decision. I went on a walk with him. During that walk I told him I wanted to find myself, I wanted to experience life. I didn’t put the blame on him because it wasn’t him that was creating complications in our relationship, but rather me.
The first thing I did when we broke up was to start making a bucket list. I wanted to know there were things worth living for other than this “perfect love story” dream we had shared.
I started making friends, stepping out of my comfort zone in ways I never thought was possible. I put energy into friendships and I found people who asked me to go hang out with them.
I started painting. Focusing my energy on something less destructive. But rather imagining the time where I felt content, I wanted that feeling again.
I wanted the feeling of loving myself. I am not saying that losing someone is the best medicine for finding yourself. There are still moments where my heart aches, but I surround myself with people and things that make me enjoy my time living. It's hard to see every other picture on my phone be of us, but that only makes me want to create new memories with others more.
The moment love songs stopped being about him, but rather about me, I knew it was time to let it go. I had to let go of him because all the time I focused on us I was going to find what I liked and build a relationship with myself. I remember the first time that changed. It was the song "Closing Time." It hit because as the great band, Semisonic, sings: "I know who I want to take me home." It wasn't him anymore, but rather me. I want to take myself home, wrap myself in lovely blankets, push my hair out of own eyes and fall asleep with a smile.
Lead Image Credit: Tumblr