Going into college, I believe everyone should have a mindset of who they want to be and what they want to achieve. For me, the “who I wanted to be” was simple: I wanted to let go of the one thing holding me back – my depression. Yet the whole “getting there” part was kind of difficult. I decided to take a step in the right direction and do what I love – write. I wrote my depression a goodbye letter.
Although I have struggled with my depression after writing this letter, I am still free. I believe college is about mistakes and learning from them. And here I am still learning that my depression does not define me, I can be anyone I choose to be.
You have a poison that I drank when I was a little girl. As a little girl, I was helpless and afraid, but as I drank the poison every inch of veins was filled with Fear. Growing up you whispered lies to me, telling me “I should talk less” and “to hide my outward flaws." I never had any friends, and maybe that was because I’m not the average social butterfly, but I know that you were the one that cut my wings.
My wings could have taken me to places that you could never. I could have seen a meteor show in the gorgeous night surrounded by smiles from all my friends I share the incredible moment with. Or I could have taken a drive to anywhere with friends who know adventure. Yet you only took me places like my bedroom where my only friends were my endless amount of stuffed animals. Yet this is not my last chance to have moments like the ones I’ve been repeating to myself to shut your hateful words out of my head.
I have always heard the words that I am “less than” and “not good enough” whenever I spoke to people I wanted to call my “friends”. Of course, you never liked the whole meaning behind the word “friendship”. People who actually wanted to hang out with me? Laugh at something amusing I said, rather than laughing at? How could all these things be possible? When I am just the girl who’s brainwashed to think she’s “just some girl”.
I am not going to be “just some girl” in college. I will struggle, but I am taking a stand. My wings are going to grow back, and with a little love and trust, they will be the color of powerful purple. I will become more social and you, the despairing depression, will not bring me down. I will stop burying my own grave that is already to deep enough that if I were dropped down there, no one would hear me scream. I am washing my hands and learning what love is about. And the first thing I have learned is that you have never loved me.
I will smile; I will laugh; and most importantly, when my actions smack me in the face, I won’t let it bring me down. I will love myself; because that is the different type of love story I want. You taught me that everyone thinks I am to blame for what is wrong with the world and I should too. Yet everyone else taught me, “college is the best four years of your life,” and the way I see it is because of independence. A somber leash will not be around my neck to attach me to you. I will be independent.
I will persevere through the everyday challenges of you, destructive Depression. I will be what I want to be because that is who I deserve to be. I want to be friendly and social during my four years of college. Because I deserve to have people who admire my outward and inner beauty. Do not tell me that it is impossible. I am already doing the impossible by letting myself free. I am saying goodbye and tossing you over my shoulder.
Lead Image Credit: Everyday Health