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May 05 2017
by Brooklyn Brown

The Foolproof Way to Get a "Summer Bod"

By Brooklyn Brown - May 05 2017

It's almost here. The weather is heating up. Instagram is getting antsy.  Are you ready for summer? Have you prepared your summer bod? If not, no worries. I have a fool-proof plan with only 10 steps to the perfect summer bod. 

Step 1

Lather yourself in a combination of strawberry daiquiri, sunblock and mosquito repellent. It's a nice foundation.

Step 2

Find as many mini-umbrellas as you can and perform a sort of acupuncture on yourself. There should be roughly 200 mini-umbrellas on your epidermis. An umbrella for each bone, if you will. 


Step 3

I want you to beat that face like a beach ball. Literally. I want you to make your face look like a beach ball. 

Step 4

I'm going to need you to find your favorite pair of sunglasses, because those suckers are getting glued onto your face. You lose your sunglasses, you lose your summer bod. I know what you're thinking: "I'm not going to be outside all of the time? Why do I need my sunglasses all of the time?" Don't ask questions. DO YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT YOUR SUMMER BOD? 

Step 5

Very simple. Find an inner tube. Wear that tube around your waist for the next three months. 

Step 6

Your hair needs to mimic the leaves of a palm tree. Green. Long. Triangular. The whole nine yards. For reference, look up Coco from Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends.

Step 7

The only shoes you're allowed to wear are flip-flops. Tennis shoes? No way. Chacos? Forget about it. I want your arcs to scream. I want your toes to cry. I want you to develop arthritis in your feet later in life. Flip-flops are the sponsored footwear for a summer bod. 

Step 8

I hope you like coconut bras, because you're wearing one all summer. 

Step 9

Your only mode of transportation is a beach bike. You may think it has nothing to do with your summer bod, but believe me, it does. 

Step 10

My personal fave. Last, but definitely not least, I want you to ignore everything I've said and everything everybody else says and just exist. Ta da. Summer bod. 

As summer approaches, please remember that you are a human being — not an easily altered machine. Be safe. Happy summer! 

Lead Image Credit: Meagan Crowell

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Brooklyn Brown - University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill

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