It's almost here. The weather is heating up. Instagram is getting antsy. Are you ready for summer? Have you prepared your summer bod? If not, no worries. I have a fool-proof plan with only 10 steps to the perfect summer bod.
Lather yourself in a combination of strawberry daiquiri, sunblock and mosquito repellent. It's a nice foundation.
Find as many mini-umbrellas as you can and perform a sort of acupuncture on yourself. There should be roughly 200 mini-umbrellas on your epidermis. An umbrella for each bone, if you will.
I want you to beat that face like a beach ball. Literally. I want you to make your face look like a beach ball.
I'm going to need you to find your favorite pair of sunglasses, because those suckers are getting glued onto your face. You lose your sunglasses, you lose your summer bod. I know what you're thinking: "I'm not going to be outside all of the time? Why do I need my sunglasses all of the time?" Don't ask questions. DO YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT YOUR SUMMER BOD?
Very simple. Find an inner tube. Wear that tube around your waist for the next three months.
Your hair needs to mimic the leaves of a palm tree. Green. Long. Triangular. The whole nine yards. For reference, look up Coco from Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends.
The only shoes you're allowed to wear are flip-flops. Tennis shoes? No way. Chacos? Forget about it. I want your arcs to scream. I want your toes to cry. I want you to develop arthritis in your feet later in life. Flip-flops are the sponsored footwear for a summer bod.
I hope you like coconut bras, because you're wearing one all summer.
Your only mode of transportation is a beach bike. You may think it has nothing to do with your summer bod, but believe me, it does.
My personal fave. Last, but definitely not least, I want you to ignore everything I've said and everything everybody else says and just exist. Ta da. Summer bod.
As summer approaches, please remember that you are a human being — not an easily altered machine. Be safe. Happy summer!
Lead Image Credit: Meagan Crowell